Some more on recession

An email forward I received recently on economic recession.

-Ali Baba and the forty thieves is now Ali Baba thirty thieves...10 were laid off!
-Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate!!
-Iron man now "air-pooling" with Superman to save fuel costs?!!
-Women finally marrying for love! And not money!
-The only "deposits" being made on a Ferrari are the ones made by birds flying over them.

Q: With the current market turmoil, what's the easiest way to make a small fortune?
A: Start off with a large one.

Q: What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What's the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean?
A: In a few weeks, nothing.

The credit crunch is getting bad isn't it? I mean, I let my brother borrow
$10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out I'm now America's third biggest lender.



                                                             

Banta and the Nurse

Banta falls in love with a nurse...after much
thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: 'I love you sister.'





                                                             

Santa and Banta- Ford Review

What's Ford?
Santa: Gaadi.
What's Oxford ?
Santa: So simple, Bail Gaadi




                                                             

Lessons to be learnt- Happy Couple

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic
tranquillity had long been the talk of the town-"What a peaceful & loving couple".


A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and
happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.

"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the
canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled.

My wife said, "That's once".

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more
my wife said, 'That's twice.' "We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse
stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse
and shot the horse dead.

"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse; while I was
shouting, she looked at me, and said, "That's once".

"And we lived happily ever after "





                                                             

The Most Important Issues Covered By Indian Journalism ! ! !

                                                             

Men have good friends...

Men always have better friends...

Men always have better friends...They will stand by you, no matter what....!!!

Friends of Women:

A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband, the very next morning, that she stayed at her (girl) friend's apartment overnight. So the husband calls 10 of her best (girl) friends and none of them confirm that she was with them.


Friends of Men:

A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night and another 5 are claiming that he is still with them!!






                                                             

Email Forwards- A Thank to everyone

I want to thank all my friends and other unknown people who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2003, 2004 & 2005, 2006 and 2007.


Because of your kindness:


I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out that it's good only for removing toilet stains.


I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.


I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.


I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda , Singapore and Tokyo.


I also stopped drinking water outside for fear that I will get sick from the rat shit and urine.


When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me, then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.


I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. (Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...)


My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland.


Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Dalai Lama, Ganesh Vandana, Tirupathi Balaji pics etc.. Now most of those "Wishes" are already married (to someone else)!

You can add your own comments based on your similar experience and send them to your friends.

Meanwhile lets see how innovative you can get and tell your experiences to continue this thread. Please add your comments and I will publish it with you name




                                                             

PRICELESS WORDS

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. He looks around the room and sees that
it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.
"Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping.
Love You!"

Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and
sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.
Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye
when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks,
"So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?
I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off,
you said,



"LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"

Moral
Self-induced hangover - $ 400.00
Broken crockery - $ 800.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk - "PRICELESS "


There are truly some things that both money and Mastercard can't buy..........                                                              

Irish Blonde

Irish Blonde


An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino
and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the
dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude.'



With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the
dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'



As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
squealed 'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'



She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her
winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The
dealers stared at each other dumb founded.



Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'



The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were
watching.'



MORAL OF THE STORY



Not all Irish are stupid; not all blondes are dumb; but
all men are men.                                                              

MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE

An Email Forward-
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.


I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.


I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?


My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'


What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts tequila, one part lime.                                                              

Humor - Joke - One fat guy

One fat guy - goes to a
popular GYM in Bangalore sees an ad for a new gym
guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the
first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They lead
him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and
ladders and tell him to wait a minute.
He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and
out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying
" If you catch me, I'm yours."
He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up
speed.
Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down
the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's
about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes
the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure
enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.
He's back on the street and starts to think.
"Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..."
So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."
"No problem," says the manager.
Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door
when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign.

"If I catch you, you're mine ."                                                              

Performance v/s Position

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "

Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?""

Results," shrugged Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."

Moral: It's Performance, Not Position that Counts ....!!                                                              

The Philosphy of Life- Enjoy Life Till The Last Moment

Must Read

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't wastethem on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than anefficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended dailyallowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Sorry. Can't think of a single one. My philosophy is: No Pain........ Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetableoil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO!! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's thebest feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming : Woo Hoo, what a ride!                                                              

Humor Joke- Husband and Wife in court getting a divorce

Scene: Husband and Wife in court getting a divorce.

The problem was who should get custody of the child????

Wife jumped up and said: "Your Honor! I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody." The judge turns to Husband and says "What do you have to say in your defense?"

The husband sat for a while contemplating then slowly rose.

"Your Honor. If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out. Whose Pepsi is it? the machine's or mine?"

Yeh sunke...Wife replied : "Judge sahab...bartan mera...dudh bhi mera...aur usme dahi jamane ke liye 2 bunde daalne se dahi bana tu fir wo dahi kiska..? mera ya do bund dalane vale ka"

Husband replied : "Typewriter mein kagaz maine dala, keys daba-daba kar mehnat maine ki, fir chithi kiski? typewriter ki ya meri?"

Frustrated Judge: "Agar tu chithi haath se hi likh leta to yahan par custody ki naubat hi na aati."